Yesterday I had one of the biggest scares of my life. I was on my way to an interview when I got a call from my father that my mother had been hit by a vehicle on the highway and lost control, plowing into the concrete median head on, and that she had been admitted to the hospital. The driver of the car that lost control had fled the scene. Needless to say, I did horribly on the interview, and afterwards headed straight to the hospital, where my mother was hooked to an IV and a neck brace. She was loopy from the medicine and bruised up, but otherwise fine. Facing your own mortality is one thing; facing your mother’s mortality is another thing entirely. It was in this moment that I realized that, even though it wasn’t this day, my mother wouldn’t be here one day. It filled me with a deep sadness. Also, if any of my Atlanta friends spot a black Mazda with Texas plates and severe front damage, get those plates and message me. I want to put this bitch in jail.

Yesterday I had one of the biggest scares of my life. I was on my way to an interview when I got a call from my father that my mother had been hit by a vehicle on the highway and lost control, plowing into the concrete median head on, and that she had been admitted to the hospital. The driver of the car that lost control had fled the scene.

Needless to say, I did horribly on the interview, and afterwards headed straight to the hospital, where my mother was hooked to an IV and a neck brace. She was loopy from the medicine and bruised up, but otherwise fine.

Facing your own mortality is one thing; facing your mother’s mortality is another thing entirely. It was in this moment that I realized that, even though it wasn’t this day, my mother wouldn’t be here one day. It filled me with a deep sadness.

Also, if any of my Atlanta friends spot a black Mazda with Texas plates and severe front damage, get those plates and message me. I want to put this bitch in jail.

MARRY ME YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING.

Sometimes my brain thinks up the stupidest things…

… like tonight, for example. I watched a movie trailer for an independent romantic comedy and noticed towards the end that the leading man and woman had the same last name.

And naturally, my first reaction was: “Ew! So you’re falling in love and making out with your sister onscreen?! Gross.”

And then I thought about it a second time and said: “Well, I guess they’re just really dedicated to telling this story. Maybe they both wrote it? I shouldn’t judge.”

Then, of course, I thought about it a third time and finally realized maybe they’re just married and that’s why they share a last name and I’m a fucking moron.

Someone just get me a book to color in.

Moving In

In other news, I move into my new home tomorrow. First big boy place.

Pics to come. Bitchin’ 80s housewarming party to come after that.

So I don’t normally nerd out, nor do I play many console games. I find the endless stream of first-person-shooters saturating the market to be utterly retarded and you already may know about my thoughts on Resident Evil. But Assassin’s Creed has always held a special place in my game library because of its heavy lean on historical fiction, which I love. Yes, you’re still killing countless people. But the people you’re killing are real, historical figures that died by causes unknown in our real history. So I learn through the art of murderrrrr! Which is why this photo leak, brought to my attention by @mantispants, really got my freak juice flowing. I’ve always viewed Assassin’s Creed’s main character Desmond as sort of a framing device through whom we get to explore different historical settings and timeframes by way of his many assassin ancestors. Which is why I’m glad to see this photo suggest a new character and American Revolution setting; I was getting a little sick of AC 2 and AC 2.5 and AC let’s-do-some-more-of-the-same-damn-character-just-in-1500s-Constantinople thing. Now the only question is, do I get to give King George III a hatchet-blade death cuddle? Is Ben Franklin going to be my new Q, like Da Vinci was in AC2? Do I get to befriend George Washington and do his secret bidding to ensure Amurrica’s victory over the British? The possibilities are endless, and I’m freaking out. And also regretting drinking those three cups of coffee before bed. Boyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyooing.

So I don’t normally nerd out, nor do I play many console games. I find the endless stream of first-person-shooters saturating the market to be utterly retarded and you already may know about my thoughts on Resident Evil. But Assassin’s Creed has always held a special place in my game library because of its heavy lean on historical fiction, which I love. Yes, you’re still killing countless people. But the people you’re killing are real, historical figures that died by causes unknown in our real history. So I learn through the art of murderrrrr!

Which is why this photo leak, brought to my attention by @mantispants, really got my freak juice flowing. I’ve always viewed Assassin’s Creed’s main character Desmond as sort of a framing device through whom we get to explore different historical settings and timeframes by way of his many assassin ancestors. Which is why I’m glad to see this photo suggest a new character and American Revolution setting; I was getting a little sick of AC 2 and AC 2.5 and AC let’s-do-some-more-of-the-same-damn-character-just-in-1500s-Constantinople thing.

Now the only question is, do I get to give King George III a hatchet-blade death cuddle? Is Ben Franklin going to be my new Q, like Da Vinci was in AC2? Do I get to befriend George Washington and do his secret bidding to ensure Amurrica’s victory over the British? The possibilities are endless, and I’m freaking out. And also regretting drinking those three cups of coffee before bed.

Boyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyooing.

Wait. No. No. Wait.

Wait…

YES.

Oh. My. God.

Hola señor! How old are you? — Asked by Anonymous

In my mind or in my body?

Either way, the answer is 14, so you shouldn’t be having those thoughts about me.

I’m going to die

Because something I ate here in Peru has triggered total fucking meltdown in my bowels, leaving me hovered over the toilet for the greater part of the last three hours and on my bed in the fetal position holding my stomach the rest of the time. I didn’t think a man could shit this much in one lifetime, or feel so dehydrated while doing it (downing water like a camel).

So if you don’t hear from me in the next 48 hours, just assume that I’m dead. Kthxbai.